You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'Just me' category.
In my early years our family did a lot of moving. I distinctly remember at one point thinking that everyone moves every other year. I recall the move from Seaford, Delaware to Cliftmont Avenue in Baltimore. It was sad to say goodbye to all that seemed just fine. The tree house in the back yard, the playground nearby and the little girl across the street. As we drove down the long layered streets of row houses I asked my mother, “Why does that house have so many doors on it?” It was like moving to a foreign country in my young eyes and perhaps even produced a bit of culture shock.
There were not many children in my new neighborhood. So I mainly played with my sisters which could be great or not so great (as with most siblings). They always wanted me to play the witch and I didn’t want to be the witch. And when I tried to be a typical big sister doling out a bit of correction and direction they would say, “OK …MOM!” real nasty like. I didn’t want to be a mom either. They just had this chemistry with each other that apparently was not included in my DNA.
Being a shy girl who was sixteen months older than twin sisters which often drew a lot of attention, I suppose I chose to stay out of the way and let everyone bask in their magnificent cuteness. Oh yes, I was jealous. They had all sorts of adorable nicknames. Often, people would approach me and ask, “How are your sisters?” before they would even bother to ask, “How are you?” Even though today we are very close and communicate often, at the time my sisters just could not fill that spot in my heart that could only be filled with a friend.
For a while I thought my struggle with friend making had something to do with being ugly. I was lanky and awkward. Always chosen last for teams at school. Not very quick or witty. Buck teeth erupted from my face. By my preteen years it appeared that you might be able to harvest that stuff on top of my head and produce a garment of clothing. And arriving to school early where I had to figure out what to say to people who did not like me felt like inhuman torture.
Eventually, I concluded that being the pastor’s daughter did not work in my favor either. We had so many “I’m not allowed to” rules imposed on us that many peers could not relate to our lifestyle and, without realizing it, I think our family alienated ourselves from the very community we wanted to reach out to. I have more recently come to observe that this phenomenon may exist with other children whose parents’ position in the community creates a hierarchy which renders them unapproachable.
So what generated this trip down memory lane? NOW I am attempting to be am ambassador of friendship on my sons’ behalf. Two of my boys are diagnosed with autistic spectrum disorders which can make the whole friend making journey exceedingly complicated. What if my son is trying to be friends with someone who does not seem to reciprocate that sentiment? What do I do if someone tries to be my son’s friend and I am leery of the potential for negative influence? What do I do if my son doesn’t want to be friends with anybody and nobody wants to be friends with him either? And if somebody finally seems to want to be friends with him, how can I be sure he will be okay? How do I gradually cut the apron strings and allow my son to go places where I am not and have peace that he is safe? What if he wants to walk down “that street”? Is it foolish for me to let him go there? Should I place more trust in the creator of the universe to be with my boys no matter where they walk? Will my boys be the influencers or the influenced? Should I play it safe and try to steer them towards peers which appear to have “good” families? Is my family “good” enough for the “good” families? Will those “good” families feel threatened by us? How can I live out my conviction to raise a family that is in this world but not of it? I do not want to choose only the safety of the fish bowl but I am honestly afraid of the ocean!
twenty til!!
door dash
talk walk
scrub tub
switch sheets
laundry loads
dust desk
snail mail
e-mail
voice mail
my male
rubric report
diamond dozen
knee knocking
quarter collection
spaghetti sauce
done dishes
balloon blast
sports schedule
friend frenzy
sitting dizzy
hold hands
sand land
silence settles
sound sleep
You may have read my story about my dad (in June 2008 if you’d like to look back). Mom and dad eventually got a divorce. A dear friend and mentor told me that divorce is like a death that doesn’t stop dying. I have experienced that to be true. There are many ways in which it follows me around and haunts my days. When you have been raised your entire life with very strict rules about what is okay and what is not okay, then your parent runs off and completely rationalizes their sin showing no remorse for their error, it makes you really wonder what part of what they taught you was a lie. No make up, no jewelry, no secular music, no dancing, no drinking, no cursing, no face cards, no elbows on the table, no talking with your mouth full, no no no no no no. But moving in with another woman is somehow permissible? Ummmm WHAT?
Proverbs 16:25 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.” It is kind of disturbing to consider that you could work really hard to make right chooses, but in the end it could lead to death. In this case the death of a marriage.
So I find myself contemplating what kind of heritage do I want to leave for my children? What will be right and wrong in our home? You may have seen me processing my thoughts on various issues like drinking and language here. I am by no means interested in swinging to an opposite extreme where everything goes and lax crass chaos prevails “for God is not the author of chaos.” Our convictions will be based upon the whole word of God and not just whatever mom and dad told us.
Each of you must embark on that journey as well. Life is too short and fragile to base our decisions on hunches from fallible human reasoning. Choose the guide book of the all knowing, all present and perfect Father of the universe. He will never lead you astray. Don’t take my word for it. Go look for yourself!
It was the word going around our house this fall after everyone was back to school. Occasionally, a stray thought would cross my mind and blurt out my mouth in the middle of a conversation that I wasn’t attending to. My oldest would look at me, “Dude that was so RANdom!” and then he’d chuckle. Hey, we all have random wonderings swirling around between our ears at times. It’s been a month since I posted on my blog so thought maybe I’d just spill some of them out here. If you know me well, you might find yourself in here somewhere…
I wonder sometimes if you dare ask something that is great how it could be better.
January isn’t so bad if you focus on how the snow sparkles at night.
Reconnecting with old best friends on facebook rocks! All the memories make me smile BIG 
Her prediction that I would marry a bald man who smokes cigars didn’t come true. LOL!
I don’t WANT to take down my Christmas tree okay? It’s shinny. Shinny is good for now. It will come down somewhere between my birthday and the Superbowl.
My descendants evolved from rabbits.
One computer is not going to cut it anymore. We tried.
Dust? What dust? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
He huffed and he puffed but he couldn’t blow the garage down.
Yes, I know it sort of has a rustic look, but I’m getting used to it.
Can you teach a new dog new tricks?
That may be permissible, but maybe it’s not beneficial.
This half hour can not pass fast enough.
What could we eat???
What year is it? How old am I?
Could you eat mashed potatoes four days in a row?
What does He want from me? I don’t know.
Care to share any of your random thoughts dude?
The thermostat says 60 degrees!! I can’t take it anymore!! Pressing the up button to 68.
Which degree do you keep your thermostat set?
Have you broken down and turned on the heat yet?
I guess I’ve been “memed” which apparently means that I have to share six quirks about myself and then challenge six more people to share quirks about themselves. I will probably skip part two of that challenge, but if any of my blogging friends would like to join in, please let me know.
1. I love gravy on pancakes. I think it’s some strange Pennsylvania dutch thing I picked up from my mom. It’s sort of like gravy and biscuits but sweeter. Try it!
2. Mopping floors is my least favorite household chore…especially the kitchen where we frequently come and go. It’s the most futile pointless endeavor. I only set myself up to be wig out woman if I slave over it than some mindless chap comes along and dirties it.
3. Mice and me cannot coexist. If you would like to see a relatively level headed lady go bazurk, release one of those little disease infested critters in my living room. My boys have witnessed this scenario a couple of times. They think it’s pretty funny. And if I was more of a blog techy I would down load a photo of me in my safe zone on top of a chair. (Anybody want to train me?)
4. Many public places make me feel very nervous. Schools, libraries and hospitols are my least favorite. Kind of funny considering I studied to be a teacher.
5. I hate dry sock foot. It used to drive my mom nuts how I would walk around the house without socks in the winter, but I couldn’t stand the feel of socks on my feet when they got really dry. But worse yet is wet sock foot when you step in a puddle. They must come off immediately if that happens.
Okay, so have I thoroughly embarassed myself yet? How about you? Got any quirks?
Where do I begin…
My dad grew up a pour farmer’s boy. The second born of seven children, which all endured varying degrees of abuse. All were deprived of their education to work on the farm. My dad ran away. He got his GED and went to college to become a preacher. He met my mother and after being married for five years they had me (he was 30 and she was 35). Sixteen months later came my twin sisters.
My childhood is dotted with many sweet and sour memories. Dad never wanted to hurt us girls like his dad hurt him. I am so proud of him for that accomplishment. He was gentle and thoughtful. He would ask me what I was thinking about when I would disappear to the front steps to be alone. Occasionally a warm washcloth would appear on my face on mornings when I couldn’t peel myself out of bed. He loaded our station wagon to the ceiling and drove us two hours away for a week of kids camp each summer. Residing in a 900 square foot row house, we didn’t have much, but Dad tried so hard to give us what mattered the most.
Dad had problems too. I don’t think he ever completely recovered from the devastation of his early years. He probably just wanted to put it behind him. This approach is like dumping good soil on top of a bed of weeds and trying to plant a garden. Those weeds will keep coming back if you don’t do the hard work it takes to get them out by the root. And this requires asking for help.
Before we settled in Baltimore, he seemed to get himself into a predicament wherever he pastored. By the time I was in second grade, he gave up preaching and picked up a job at Holiday Inn working the grave yard shift. I remember him always being tired and not having much time at home. He often sat at the dinner table eating with his eyes closed. He talked about going back to preaching someday.
After us girls were married, he found his opportunity to pastor again. There was a small old fashioned church not far from their home. Mom could play hymns on the organ and he could preach. They planned picnics and potlucks and parties. Mom started a ladies Bible study group. Dad loved to help people in need.
Then the unthinkable happened. One day mom called to tell me that dad didn’t come home last night. “What do you mean he didn’t come home? Where is he?” I asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “Well are you going to try to figure it out?” I exclaimed. Dad had decided to leave mom for one of her Bible study friends. NEVER in my wildest imagination could I have fathomed that MY father would pull something like this. I knew their marriage wasn’t perfect, but I thought they would just tolerate each other for the rest of their lives.
My sisters and I all traveled home to plead with him to return and remind him of his vows, but he would not budge. I dove head first into my Bible searching the concordance for every verse I could find about adultery. When I discovered I Corinthians 5 I could not believe my eyes. “I have written you in my letters not to associate with sexually immoral people not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral… In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral…. With such a man do not even eat…. Expel the wicked man from among you.”
It was not the advice I was searching for. Why does the Bible say that? As I prayed about it and asked the Lord to help me understand, I began to agree that my father’s judgment could not trusted. If he could not see that this was a big mistake, he had the potential to be a misguiding influence in our lives…..(to be continued)
There is a large group of mommies in my son’s preschool class who are sending their youngest child to kindergarten in the fall. We are all very excited. Everyone is a buzz about what they plan to do with their time. Some are picking up a full time career and others part time work. I feel very torn. I marvel at how some women manage to work all day and come home to work all night on top of it. If I were to pick up subbing for instance, I would spend 8 to 2 taking care of a room full of others people children and then I would come home and work from 2 to 8 taking care of my own. Do I have what it takes to get everything done after 2 pm which I have normally accomplished before 2pm? Would I ever exercise? Would I have time for friends? Would I ever sit down and read a book? Would my husband and I date? Would we eat more fast food? Would I have any patience left for my family at the end of the day? Would I bite someone’s head off? Would I be available to my kids when they need me?
What if I decided to stay home? My paid-for rusty 90,000 mileage caravan will probably putz me around town for another 90,000 right? Maybe. Then maybe I could volunteer more at the school. Maybe I could do more at my church. Maybe I could still pitch in at MOPS. OR maybe I could go back to school. I could defer my loans! (Side note: I just recently found out that if I continue to pay off my student loans at the rate we are going now, they will be paid off in 2017. I also found out that my SECOND son will be graduating in 2017. CRAP!!!)
So what to do? What to do? I had no idea making these decisions would be so hard!!! One thing I know for sure… I HAVE to serve the Lord. It brings me such a peace. Proverbs tells us “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path.” I pray that God would make his plan clear to me and that when I see it I will know and will follow. God please open your doors in your time…Amen
Do you have hard decisions to make?
A little while back I posted a blog with a quick run down of what “a typical day” is like for us. Funny thing is typical has almost completely been thrown out the window over the past several weeks. Jonathan was home from school with strep throat. My husband came home from work about three weeks ago and declared that “the hot rod” was done. Fortunately, we were on the verge of spring break so I rejoiced that at least I would not have to deal with the school day routine without a vehicle. We have since borrowed several automobiles and I have had to replace exercise at the Y with lots of extra walking. Sean bought a Saturn at an auction which revealed its need for a transmission on the way home. Now we anxiously… no patiently … no irritatedly await it’s homecoming. Then Anthony was home with vomiting and … you know… the other one. Tonight it’s Nathan’s turn. You know… I thought I could start wearing white again… WRONG!!! As I helped him into his PJs and gave him a gentle little hug he unloads his dinner on my back. Do you remember the “ground venison sauce puke” story? Yep, it was in the exact same spot, except it wasn’t projected from the top bunk this time. WHO snuck into my house and installed the vomit magnet under the carpet in my boys bedroom??? SOOO if you happened to read “a typical day” and thought the grass looked really green over here don’t be deceived:)
Okay…enough of my venting. Here’s what’s been great about my life over the past month. We’ve enjoyed visits from family and playdates with friends. Peter Pan was an amazing production at GCC. Way to go Dunns! I had the privelege of attending a MOPS simulcast training event in Buffalo. Sean and I had 48 marvelous hours together for the Family Life Marriage Conference (for FREE!) also in Buffalo. I have to add we ate burritos with punishment sauce at Burrito Bay, wings with suicide sauce at Duffs, breakfast wraps at Subway, falafal and humus wraps with, you guessed it, more hot sauce at the Falafal Bar, and mouth watering heavenly sea bass at La Marina. I joked with Sean that it was no wonder we didn’t top off our weekend with gout in the ER. I am very grateful to my mother and mother-in-law for each taking 24 hour turns at caring for the children and for Peggy, Jenn, Shalyn and Stephanie who have either shared their wheels or provided a lift.
God is good whether it’s a typical or an atypical week. How about you? Are you in typical or atypical mode?
I recently read a post by a fellow MOPS friend who listed 100 things about herself and she challenged others to do the same, so I’m giving it a go.
1. I hate watching sports.
2. I’d rather talk.
3. Extroverts keep the conversation going for me.
4. Would you believe I’m actually more introverted than extroverted.
5. Sometimes I need to be alone.
6. Sometimes I get lonely.
7. I have twin sisters; they’re extroverted.
8. We used to sing together.
9. We called ourselves the M&Ms.
10. Our family used to sing “I’m so glad I’m a part of the family of God.”
11. My parents got divorced shortly after their 40th anniversary.
12. I don’t want to be like them.
13. I don’t know how not to be like them.
14. I’ve read a mountain of books about marriage and parenting.
15. Let’s change the subject.
16. Seafood is my favorite food (especially Maryland Style with Old Bay Seasoning) .
17. Large mouth bass fishing at Covenant Acres is the best!
18. I sent my two oldest boys there last summer.
19. It’s Andy Griffith’s fault I love fishing.
20. Yes it’s gross sometimes, but I still love it.
21. I want to be a “fisher of (wo)men” like Jesus said.
22. It’s not easy.
23. Some people don’t like me because I’m too good.
24. Some people don’t like me because I’m too bad.
25. I wish I didn’t care what people think.
26. Green is my favorite color.
27. My house has lots of burgundy.
28. I love my hand-me-down antiques. (I could say heirlooms to sound impressive.)
29. Decorating is fun to do with a friend.
30. It’s a chore alone.
31. I have only processed one picture since I got a digital camera.
32. Scrapbooking is therapy for me.
33. Someday I’d like to take a photography coarse.
34. I have my BS in Elementary Education from Houghton College (and minored in psychology).
35. The last thing in the world I want to do is teach a room full of someone else’s kids and then come home and take care of mine.
36. Maybe I will become a counselor.
37. I’m ready for adult conversation.
38. I’m a good listener.
39. I care.
40. I’m trying to figure out how to talk about myself without saying “I” repeatedly. It’s impossible!
41. I do not believe I was created to serve the dust from which I came all day.
42. I’m not too good with money.
43. I keep saying I’m never going to one of those parties where they say “You don’t have to buy anything” ever again.
44. If you invite me to come over and just talk and have a drink, I will.
45. Oh! I like pancakes with gravy. It’s sort of like gravy ‘n biscuits but sweeter.
46. We used to eat chili on top of mashed potatoes.
47. I was the team bench warmer in volleyball.
48. I can’t write down 100 things about myself without somebody wanting something from me….. pause…..
49. I was raised to believe that make up, jewelry, dancing, drinking, and any type of music other than gospel and hymns were wrong.
50. I don’t buy it.
51. I think my Netflix movie blew away during a wind storm and I have no idea how to tell them.
52. I have a hard time finding movies I like anyway.
53. The last movie I watched was Ghost Rider. I didn’t like it.
54. Maybe I’m glad the wind blew it away.
55. I’m going to pay bills with my tax return.
56. This is me trying to convince myself of the right thing to do.
57. I like snow to come one foot at a time.
58. Then it should disappear over night.
59. I don’t want to have a Easter egg hunt in the mud.
60. I’m learning about natural remedies and vitamins through www.vitacost.com
61. I believe the Bible.
62. I don’t always understand it, but I believe it.
63. I like making things from scratch sometimes (i.e. mac n cheese, pizza, meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy, banana bread), but not all the time.
64. I’d like to do better at not overcooking the meat.
65. I grew up in a family of 3 girls and now God wants me to raise 4 boys?
66. I’m dreading baseball season.
67. I’d like to have a better attitude about it.
68. I will play a board or card game, wrestle, play monster or put train tracks together but I will not play pretend with those little men or crash cars over and over again.
69. I can count on one hand how many times I will thoroughly clean my kitchen floor in a year.
70. Mopping the kitchen floor is THE most futile endeavor…second only maybe to ironing.
71. I will, however, vacume once a week.
72. I would like to buy that placque that says, “If you’re coming to see me, stop by any time. If you’re coming to see my house, call ahead.”… but I’m going to pay bills with my tax return.
73. I cut all 5 of my boys’ (this includes Sean’s) hair to help save money.
74. I only get a hair cut about twice a year.
75. Red dye 40 and hot dogs make my kids hyper.
76. Some people think I’m nuts for believing that.
77. I do not have a favorite TV show.
78. TV feels like a waste of my time.
79. Sex without intimacy is over rated. (intimacy is in-to-me-see)
80. We used to have a Honda Silver Wing.
81. I’m a little old fashioned and a little not.
82. I hope to teach my boys how to operate appliances before they learn to drive a car or operate machinery. (Wish me luck!)
83. I don’t like cursing, but I can usually listen to it without reacting and yes, I’ve let a few slip out, but I’m not proud of it nor do I want that to be a regular thing in my house.
84. I have a hard time thinking happy thoughts.
85. I should make a list of 100 things I have to be thankful for.
86. I should make a list of 100 things I love about my husband.
87. I should make a list of 100 things I love about being the only female in the house.
88. I have 3 cats… one male, two female… so technically I’m not the ONLY female.
89. I’m afraid shivelry is almost dead.
90. I hope to keep it alive in my boys.
91. I do believe he should make the first move, and then continue to be the pursuer.
92. Ephesians 5 spells out the roles I hope to understand someday.
93. I hate it when people misuse God’s word.
94. I hate it when people dodge difficult conversations.
95. I’m intense… do you think?
96. I like writing.
97. This was a good exercise for me.
98. Some day I’d like to write a book.
99. I think I’ll call it “Lady in Waiting.”
100. Now I have to watch a movie. I wonder if I’ll like this one.
Now it’s your turn! Get writing:)
Recent Comments